Dear D
I just need you to know one thing: I love you.
That is all.
- J
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Question of the Day
Question of the Day: How long will it take and how many times must I make the same mistakes before I realize that they are, indeed, mistakes?
I hope not too many more times... I can't take much more of this. My soul is near to breaking and I feel more hopeless and helpless every day.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Well, God
Well, God, I did it. I did what you wanted me to do. It was hard. Its still hard. It hurt. It still hurts. I wonder if I'll ever feel normal or happy again.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
A Petition
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Void,
I have a petition to put to you all: please, PLEASE, be real. Be who you are. It saves time, energy, and heartache.
That is all.
I have a petition to put to you all: please, PLEASE, be real. Be who you are. It saves time, energy, and heartache.
That is all.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Stand Up and Stop It
As I was checking Facebook this morning, I came across an article that disturbed me greatly. A 12 year old boy in California took his own life because he was bullied for being the only male cheer leader on the squad. He was taunted about being gay and I'm sure a host of other horrific things until he was taken out of the local Jr High and was home schooled. This apparently didn't fix the problem and he still felt that his only option was to take his life. A link to the story can be found here: Story.
It is things like this that make me want to shake the world and wake it up to the reality of suffering. There are people who wake up every day and cry because they have to face the world again. Activities once loved become uninteresting or a burden or, in as in this boys case, the source of his pain.
Lets look at that point for just a second: he loved cheer leading, and yet it was for that same thing that he was being teased. I don't know this boy, his personality, or anything about him; that being said, I can guess that he was experiencing some intense cognitive dissonance. Cognitive Dissonance, according to dictionary.com, is a "psychological conflict resulting from simultaneously held incongruous beliefs and attitudes (as a fondness for smoking and a belief that it is harmful)." It is likely that he both loved and hated cheering - which is an absolute tragedy because a 12 year old boy should be allowed to do whatever he is passionate about without the fear of being bullied.
Bullying is never OK. Never. Stand up and stop bullying.
It is things like this that make me want to shake the world and wake it up to the reality of suffering. There are people who wake up every day and cry because they have to face the world again. Activities once loved become uninteresting or a burden or, in as in this boys case, the source of his pain.
Lets look at that point for just a second: he loved cheer leading, and yet it was for that same thing that he was being teased. I don't know this boy, his personality, or anything about him; that being said, I can guess that he was experiencing some intense cognitive dissonance. Cognitive Dissonance, according to dictionary.com, is a "psychological conflict resulting from simultaneously held incongruous beliefs and attitudes (as a fondness for smoking and a belief that it is harmful)." It is likely that he both loved and hated cheering - which is an absolute tragedy because a 12 year old boy should be allowed to do whatever he is passionate about without the fear of being bullied.
Bullying is never OK. Never. Stand up and stop bullying.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
A Follow Up
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Void,
Today, I feel vindicated. My last post was about depression and how society views it. Today, as I wandered the internet, I found this and I was ecstatic. Its a page on The Huffington Post and it is wonderful. I know that I in no way had anything to do with this posting... It may just be happenstance. But, if nothing else, it continues to and adds more to the conversation that this world desperately needs regarding infirmities of the heart, mind, and soul. Follow this link for the post: Huffington Post. Enjoy.
Today, I feel vindicated. My last post was about depression and how society views it. Today, as I wandered the internet, I found this and I was ecstatic. Its a page on The Huffington Post and it is wonderful. I know that I in no way had anything to do with this posting... It may just be happenstance. But, if nothing else, it continues to and adds more to the conversation that this world desperately needs regarding infirmities of the heart, mind, and soul. Follow this link for the post: Huffington Post. Enjoy.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Depression: the Internal Bully
Ladies and Gentlemen of the void:
Recently, I've heard that all it takes to help stop bullying and/or one of the most effective tools to help combat it is for one other person to stand up to the bully. Just ONE other person. This is hard to do when the bully is in the mirror. Depression, self doubt, and other similar thought patterns are, in a way, self bullying. We who live with depression are living with an internal rather than an external bully. So, when people around us are harsh in response to our state, worse when they are silent when the topic comes up, or - worst of all - if they just seem to go away, it leaves us alone with our tormentor; a tormentor that is rather vocal that we are not just alone, but that we have been left alone, a whole different sad, scary, and quite frankly destructive matter entirely.
Let me describe what depression feels like for me. May the reader please note that this isn't a comprehensive description - depression affects everyone differently and it may be different for others who have depression as their daily companion. Please note also that I have only had experience with and will therefore keep my thoughts focused on depression.
Describing depression can be difficult. Much like describing the taste of salt is nearly impossible without using the word 'salty,' it is difficult to describe depression without using the word 'depressed.' Perhaps a good place to start is by breaking down the word: de - down, press - to act upon with steadily applied weight or force. We can therefore describe depression as the steadily applied weight or force downward. For other definitions of the word 'press', please follow this link: Press. The different definitions add great meaning and insight to the discussion.
Keeping that constant pressure downward in mind, please imagine a world where the colors are less bright and the sounds are less pure. There is a gray haze that has settled in and grasped tightly everything you see. It's color seeps into everything it touches and stains it. It muffles sound. It darkens the sun. It chokes as you breath it in. The polluted air is thick and cold, which makes it hard and a little painful to move. The world becomes a dark, colorless, lifeless waste. For a definition of the word 'waste', please follow this link: Waste. The different definitions add great meaning and insight to the discussion.
Other people look happy and fulfilled by their lives. They survey you with either uninterested or sneering expressions as they hurry past and, seeing their quick movement, you are extremely aware that you are clumsy and slow. Those close to you look concerned, but feel distant and powerless - driving a feeling of hopelessness deeper into your heart. Hopelessness that adds more weight dragging you lower.
You tire quickly.
You don't sleep well.
Tasks - even small ones - feel huge and impossible.
You feel weak.
Powerless.
Hopeless.
Alone.
There is one thing that stands above all others as perhaps the worst part of this shadowy mess. The worst part is the maddening whispers that come from the haze. The haze has a voice of its own, but masterfully makes you believe that what its telling you comes from what other people are thinking about you. All day it whispers all of your doubts, fears, and insecurities into your ear, slipping in an extra few ounces of weight with ever word. Then, once its been around long enough, the voice starts sounding like your own. You then begin to hear - in your own voice - messages like:
"You're not good enough,"
"you're ugly,"
"you can't,"
"no one likes you,"
"it's hopeless,"
"you're worthless,"
"stupid,"
"fat,"
"a waste of space,"
"weak,"
And, once it has you believing all the things it says about you, it starts giving you directions:
"Give up,"
"Why try?"
"Stop trying,"
And then the really scary stuff starts when you start hearing, "It would be better if you just went away" and other messages in your spoken to you in your own voice. By this point, you're convinced nothing is going to get better because, once we become accustomed to any one particular thing, it is hard to imagine a life without it.
You feel as if you have fallen down into a dark and deep hole. Your arms and legs ache from kicking and pounding against walls searching for a way to climb out. Your hands are raw and bloody from scratching the rock wall. Your breath is gone and your heart pounds as you realize that you're not going to be able to climb out of this hole. So, you lean up against the cold and rocky wall, slowly slide down until you're sitting on the jagged floor, put your head to your knees, wrap you arms around your legs, and hope it doesn't take too long to die.
You wish you could just disappear.
Vanish.
Not feel.
... And then the alarm goes off... And you have to do it all over again.
All day every day.
With this as a back drop, dose it make sense why having a social stigma against struggling and having problems would be so detrimental to those who live in such a place? It is a (perceived) confirmation to everything we believe about ourselves. Every doubt, every insecurity, and every ounce of weight is doubled when we feel like what we're going through is sub-human and unnatural. So, may I offer a bit of advice? As we struggle with ourselves and as we learn to manage what is going on around us, just be there. You don't need to be the manic cheerleaders on the sidelines or even the best coach in the world as you rip phone-books in half. You just need to be present. Give the option of open and warm communication and please don't get offended if we don't take it. When people are hurt, they say and do things they don't really mean. We are hurting.
Please, don't tell us to be happy. Don't tell us to stop being silly. Don't tell us it's going to get better. Don't tell us that we just need to stop thinking about it or that we just need to, "snap out of it." Those things are not helpful and, more often than not, give more power to the bully. Why? Because in saying those things, you have joined your voice with the internal bully's in shouting the messages that we are not enough and are stupid for feeling the way that we feel. The very messages we tell ourselves every day of our lives. But, whatever you do, please don't be silent! Don't let us feel forgotten. Don't let us feel we have become too much to bear and you've cut us off. If nothing else, just be there. Be as patient and as kind as you can because we - at least I - am not offering either of those things to ourselves.
Depression is a real and a frightening demon. Self doubt is a monster that swallows everything it sees. Both of these have many friends they bring with them in varying degrees. I know that this blog post isn't going to change the world. It may do absolutely nothing. I do hope that it will at least be some sort of added voice for a change in our attitude toward those who struggle. With depression, kindness is the best medicine. Kindness, paired with genuine love, will do more to help combat depression than any other tool.
Open your hearts. Reach down your hands. Let us know you're there. We need you.
I'm tired. I'm tired in so many ways that it hurts. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of dating. I'm tired of work. I'm tired of saying that I'm happy and putting on a show so that I don't alarm the masses. I'm just tired. I try so hard to be perfect and keep up the appearance of being OK because that is what is socially acceptable. When someone on the street - and more and more alarmingly between friends - asks, "How are you?" if the answer isn't, "I'm fine, thanks, how're you?" people start freaking out. The idea behind this seems to be, "Keep your problems to yourself. Your problems are your problem, please don't bother me with them." Consequentially, we have lost the ability to have a bad day (or even several in a row) and have it be normal. We have become broken hearts hiding behind perfect faces. This fact has made me ask a couple of questions: Why do we as a society look down on those who are struggling? And, perhaps even more of what I would like to say: Why are we so silent about disorders and diseases of the mind, heart, and soul?
Depression and similar conditions are scary, not only for those who suffer with them, but for those who watch them suffer. I understand that such thought patterns and (using the word carefully) disorders are temporary and curable. I am here to tell you that, even though we sometimes understand this, it doesn't feel that way. The crushing weight of depression, the shackles of self doubt, and the impenetrable fortress of "getting better" are realities. If you've ever struggled with depression, you understand how foreign the idea of getting better is. It seems that we will feel this way forever and that we will be trapped in our own personal hell for eternity.
Depression and similar conditions are scary, not only for those who suffer with them, but for those who watch them suffer. I understand that such thought patterns and (using the word carefully) disorders are temporary and curable. I am here to tell you that, even though we sometimes understand this, it doesn't feel that way. The crushing weight of depression, the shackles of self doubt, and the impenetrable fortress of "getting better" are realities. If you've ever struggled with depression, you understand how foreign the idea of getting better is. It seems that we will feel this way forever and that we will be trapped in our own personal hell for eternity.
Recently, I've heard that all it takes to help stop bullying and/or one of the most effective tools to help combat it is for one other person to stand up to the bully. Just ONE other person. This is hard to do when the bully is in the mirror. Depression, self doubt, and other similar thought patterns are, in a way, self bullying. We who live with depression are living with an internal rather than an external bully. So, when people around us are harsh in response to our state, worse when they are silent when the topic comes up, or - worst of all - if they just seem to go away, it leaves us alone with our tormentor; a tormentor that is rather vocal that we are not just alone, but that we have been left alone, a whole different sad, scary, and quite frankly destructive matter entirely.
Let me describe what depression feels like for me. May the reader please note that this isn't a comprehensive description - depression affects everyone differently and it may be different for others who have depression as their daily companion. Please note also that I have only had experience with and will therefore keep my thoughts focused on depression.
Describing depression can be difficult. Much like describing the taste of salt is nearly impossible without using the word 'salty,' it is difficult to describe depression without using the word 'depressed.' Perhaps a good place to start is by breaking down the word: de - down, press - to act upon with steadily applied weight or force. We can therefore describe depression as the steadily applied weight or force downward. For other definitions of the word 'press', please follow this link: Press. The different definitions add great meaning and insight to the discussion.
Keeping that constant pressure downward in mind, please imagine a world where the colors are less bright and the sounds are less pure. There is a gray haze that has settled in and grasped tightly everything you see. It's color seeps into everything it touches and stains it. It muffles sound. It darkens the sun. It chokes as you breath it in. The polluted air is thick and cold, which makes it hard and a little painful to move. The world becomes a dark, colorless, lifeless waste. For a definition of the word 'waste', please follow this link: Waste. The different definitions add great meaning and insight to the discussion.
 |
| Photo via Google |
Other people look happy and fulfilled by their lives. They survey you with either uninterested or sneering expressions as they hurry past and, seeing their quick movement, you are extremely aware that you are clumsy and slow. Those close to you look concerned, but feel distant and powerless - driving a feeling of hopelessness deeper into your heart. Hopelessness that adds more weight dragging you lower.
You tire quickly.
You don't sleep well.
Tasks - even small ones - feel huge and impossible.
You feel weak.
Powerless.
Hopeless.
Alone.
There is one thing that stands above all others as perhaps the worst part of this shadowy mess. The worst part is the maddening whispers that come from the haze. The haze has a voice of its own, but masterfully makes you believe that what its telling you comes from what other people are thinking about you. All day it whispers all of your doubts, fears, and insecurities into your ear, slipping in an extra few ounces of weight with ever word. Then, once its been around long enough, the voice starts sounding like your own. You then begin to hear - in your own voice - messages like:
"You're not good enough,"
"you're ugly,"
"you can't,"
"no one likes you,"
"it's hopeless,"
"you're worthless,"
"stupid,"
"fat,"
"a waste of space,"
"weak,"
And, once it has you believing all the things it says about you, it starts giving you directions:
"Give up,"
"Why try?"
"Stop trying,"
And then the really scary stuff starts when you start hearing, "It would be better if you just went away" and other messages in your spoken to you in your own voice. By this point, you're convinced nothing is going to get better because, once we become accustomed to any one particular thing, it is hard to imagine a life without it.
You feel as if you have fallen down into a dark and deep hole. Your arms and legs ache from kicking and pounding against walls searching for a way to climb out. Your hands are raw and bloody from scratching the rock wall. Your breath is gone and your heart pounds as you realize that you're not going to be able to climb out of this hole. So, you lean up against the cold and rocky wall, slowly slide down until you're sitting on the jagged floor, put your head to your knees, wrap you arms around your legs, and hope it doesn't take too long to die.
You wish you could just disappear.
Vanish.
Not feel.
... And then the alarm goes off... And you have to do it all over again.
All day every day.
With this as a back drop, dose it make sense why having a social stigma against struggling and having problems would be so detrimental to those who live in such a place? It is a (perceived) confirmation to everything we believe about ourselves. Every doubt, every insecurity, and every ounce of weight is doubled when we feel like what we're going through is sub-human and unnatural. So, may I offer a bit of advice? As we struggle with ourselves and as we learn to manage what is going on around us, just be there. You don't need to be the manic cheerleaders on the sidelines or even the best coach in the world as you rip phone-books in half. You just need to be present. Give the option of open and warm communication and please don't get offended if we don't take it. When people are hurt, they say and do things they don't really mean. We are hurting.
Please, don't tell us to be happy. Don't tell us to stop being silly. Don't tell us it's going to get better. Don't tell us that we just need to stop thinking about it or that we just need to, "snap out of it." Those things are not helpful and, more often than not, give more power to the bully. Why? Because in saying those things, you have joined your voice with the internal bully's in shouting the messages that we are not enough and are stupid for feeling the way that we feel. The very messages we tell ourselves every day of our lives. But, whatever you do, please don't be silent! Don't let us feel forgotten. Don't let us feel we have become too much to bear and you've cut us off. If nothing else, just be there. Be as patient and as kind as you can because we - at least I - am not offering either of those things to ourselves.
Depression is a real and a frightening demon. Self doubt is a monster that swallows everything it sees. Both of these have many friends they bring with them in varying degrees. I know that this blog post isn't going to change the world. It may do absolutely nothing. I do hope that it will at least be some sort of added voice for a change in our attitude toward those who struggle. With depression, kindness is the best medicine. Kindness, paired with genuine love, will do more to help combat depression than any other tool.
Open your hearts. Reach down your hands. Let us know you're there. We need you.
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