Messy Me

I'm not quite sure what prompted me to start this new blog....  I think I am just needing a space that I can post things to the internet as a way of being daring...


That's a lie.

I want to post on this blog because I couldn't be more depressed at the moment and I want to hide it from those that I have given the URL to my other blog.  I don't know why it makes a difference....  I'm no man of consequence.  I am an ordinary gay LDS kid who is ruining his life as he goes along.  I don't have any friends who stand by me -  those that insist they are do so from a distance.  I don't know if its because I am such a mess that they don't want to get too close or if they have honestly given up waiting for me to stop being sad and they have moved on to other things that doesn't bring them down in the process.

As for my other problems:  I am very much in love with my ex-boyfriend who is very much in love with his new man.  That is a discovery I made in recent times and it hurts me to the depths of my soul.  I miss him.  I want to be the baby talked about in his blog posts.  But, I'm not....  And I'll never be....  Its my own fault that  the relationship fell apart.  I have no one to blame but myself.  I could have had him.  I could have been happy with him.  I don't have him.  And it hurts me.

On a completely bi-polar note, I have a massive crush on the cutest guy who might be joining my church.  This wouldn't be a problem except that the church is adamantly against homosexual activity - which means that he and I could never be lovers...  Just dear friends.  This thought simultaneously makes me happy and rips my soul apart.  I am really falling for this kid and I may loose him.  This second boy could be what pulls me out of my funk from loosing the first one, but how is that any sort fair to him based on my feelings for the first.  On top of all of that, I REFUSE to be the reason he doesn't join the church.  The church is good and full of love and light.  It would do him well to join.  It will just hurt for a while.

On top of all of that, I am so lost in my own self doubt and self hatred that I feel bad for even trying to play the love game because I'm bringing so much baggage to the table.  I can't even fathom a person loving me for me and REALLY loving ME.  The real Josh - full of  insecurities and warts and flaws and disasters and all the rest that slips along in my wake.

I am a mess and I don't really care enough about myself to pull myself out.  I don't see the worth that others see when they look at me.  It CAN'T be true.  Why would it be?  There is nothing - nor has there ever been - anything special or worthy of saving or loving about me.

I'm sure that there are those who would disagree with me on that fact, but I can't help what I feel - at least what I feel right now.  I.  Am.  A.  Mess.