I am so tired of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be.
I don't even know who I am anymore. I have completely lost myself. And, if I were try and go and find him, it would take ages and buckets of money that I just don't have.
Quite frankly, I don't really care enough about that poor bastard to even go looking for him.
What I really want more than anything at the moment is to just fade from existence. To disappear and have that be the end of it.
I really think it would do the world a lot of good.
I wouldn't be around to hurt anyone anymore. I wouldn't keep making the same mistakes over and over again - which causes everyone around me more and more pain.
I would cease to be a nuisance to those around me and the world would go on being a better place.
I don't do anyone any good.
I can't do anything right.
I am a worthless pile of expendable and forgettable waste.
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I shouted at my baby sister today. She did exactly what I wanted, but it didn't make me happy. She did it because she loved me and was scared that she had hurt me. She did so with a shattered face and a storm of hurt and fear in her eyes. After completing the task, she ran - not just walked or sulked - ran away from me sobbing loudly. All I do is hurt her. And its not just her, its everyone. All I do anymore is hurt those who are stupid enough to try and get close to me.
I really think it will kill me, but it will be safer for everyone else around me if I were to become a hermit. I have had this thought in the past, but I have brushed it off. "I couldn't do that," I tell myself, "I'd die from starvation for human connection."
Well, maybe that's what would be the best for everyone else.
No one else would get hurt. No one else would run away from me in tears because I had beaten them to the ground emotionally. No one else would have to deal with the monster that I have become. They would be free from me and the burden I am.
No more tornado path. No more wake of pain and hurt. No more stupid.
That sounds pretty nice. One of the kindest things I could do to try and make up for everything else.
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